Thursday, April 25, 2013

Da Cass: Cass in the NFL!

Mixed martial arts would be her thing, no doubt, but what about Cassandra Cain in the NFL?  Or Cass in the NBA?  Or Cass playing major league baseball?  Soccer?  Lacrosse?

This isn't what I planned on writing about this morning.  The other day I found something on Good Reads where a fan asked Gail Simone-- it's on Simone's Tumblr as well-- who she'd rather have back in the DC universe, Cass or Stephanie Brown.  Simone wants both, but Cass edges Steph out in the either-or choice.  We'll discuss this at a later time.  While looking for it again this morning I found a Comic Book Resources discussion from way back in 2008 where a football fan asks how Cass would fare with the Cleveland Browns.  Or the Detroit Lions.

I can never resist these Bill Swerski's Superfans-type discussions or any other kind of Cass-related nonsense challenge.  After all, I've already pit Cass against M*A*S*H 4077 and Delta House.  Even though it's currently baseball season, let's keep to the NFL theme and explore the possibilities for a moment.

The first person to replies nails it.  With her move-predictive ability, speed and agility, Cass would score a touchdown every single time she touched the ball.  You'd definitely want her running back kicks; that's a guaranteed six every touch.  As far as other positions go, we have to think a little.  She'd make an unstoppable running back and a flawless receiver whether she's zipping down the sideline or going over the middle.  But putting her at either position would needlessly complicate your offensive scheme.

The obvious choice would be to insert Cass at quarterback so she can take snaps directly and run the ball with a minimum of baroque flourishes.  Good ol' fashioned smashmouth football.  Cass-mouth football.  The team would need but a single play, Cass-Up-the-Middle.  The offensive line wouldn't even have to open any holes.  She'd just go over the top.  Audibles and snap counts aren't much of an obstacle, either.  Cass could learn to audible even if there's never going to be a change of play.  All she has to do is practice a couple of numbers or colors to bark.  Even if all she can do is say "no" or "yes," the coaches could come up with a simple code.  Then the team would rely on a silent snap count.  I'd suggest just setting it to "snap on one."

The quality of the offensive squad around her would hardly matter.  She'd need a decent defense, but if she plays both ways she's going to be stuffing plays in the backfield all day long.  Cass would predict every play and adjust accordingly.  She definitely lacks the traditional middle linebacker physique, but she more than makes up for that with aggressiveness and speed.  Her technique would be perfection after just a little instruction.  Show her some tapes of some of the all-time greats.

Well, that's just Cass playing football at the NFL level.  No other sport offers her much of a challenge, unless it's battling boredom with all the pitcher changes she'd cause in baseball.

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