Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Cass versus everybody!

What would happen if Cassandra Cain fought other comic book characters?  We've seen it in the actual comic books, of course.  I'm not talking about stories we've seen.  I'm talking stories we will probably never see in a million reboots.  Who would Cass beat?  Who would beat Cass?  The answer is, "The winner would be whoever the scripter needed it to be, regardless of logic or reader opinion."  But this is the Internet where everyone has an opinion, including this blogger.  After desperately looking for Cass news and finding nothing but a lot of hardcore comic book fans debating Cassandra Cain versus Domino (the Marvel character, not the real person played by Keira Knightley), I've decided to share mine.  I'm going to be objective as possible.  None of that "Character X loses because I hate Character X" crap that invalidates some fan's arguments.

Here we go:

Batman.  Batman wins.  Batman always wins.  Cass may be nigh-untouchable and capable of punching Batman hard enough to make him spit up blood, but Batman has the ineffable quality of simply being Batman.  Plus, if Cass could beat Batman, what would be the point of having a Batman?  In story terms, he's got years of experience on her, plus he's a smarter and would cheat if necessary.  But I seriously doubt it would be necessary.

Superman.  I know Frank Miller popularized the idea Batman would beat Superman, but in truth, Superman would smear Batman.  In that he could literally reduce Batman to a red smear at nearly the speed of light.  So if Batman beats Cassandra and Superman beats Batman, obviously Superman beats Cass.

Wonder Woman.  Much like the Superman fight, this is a person whose power level is far beyond Cass's capabilities.  Wonder Woman in a walk.

Batgirl.  Which one?  Barbara Gordon or Stephanie Brown or Helena Bertinelli, Cass takes them all, either singularly or in a group.  She'd mop up the floor with them. But she'd rather not.

Supergirl.  Pretty much the same as the Superman fight.  Minus those crystal shards from the time these two actually tangled.  To be honest, I'm thinking of classic Supergirl.  Who would still win.

Robin.  Again, any Robin, doesn't matter.  Cass would stomp their guts out.

Flash.  Cass can't fight what she can't see and probably can't touch.  Flash.

Green Lantern.  Any of them would defeat Cass by surrounding her with some kind of airtight green energy bubble and suffocating her.  Green Lantern wins.

Isis.  While Cindy Lee tries to convince Cass that Isis is really an awesome person, Cass springs completely over the ever-cheerful Larkspur High factotum, jukes past a confused Rick Mason, avoids some words of wisdom from Dr. Barnes... only to lose to Isis because Isis is MAGICAL.

Katana.  An impressive battle ends with a tired and injured Cass holding Katana captive at the point of her own katana.

Swamp Thing.  Cass would mulch and mulch and never win this one.

Teen Titans.  Any version of this group would lose to Cass.  She'd find a way to exploit their stupidity against them.  Kid Flash, Wonder Girl and Cyborg each stand a chance, but they'd trip up somehow.  Titans just aren't that bright.

Funky Flashman and Houseroy.  Funky falls foul trying to trick Cass into headlining some kind of circus act, then she whips his ass in seconds flat, then does the same to poor Houseroy.

Mr. Miracle and Big Barda.  My favorite married couple wins not because they're my favorite married couple but because Mr. Miracle escapes every trap and Big Barda is the consummate warrior.

X-23.  The female Wolverine clone with the foot claws and all that.  I like to think of her as Marvel's answer to Cass.  Even though Wolverine is the most overexposed of heroes, which means here's yet one more version of the same guy, X-23's a nifty character in her own right.  This is one I'd love to see happen.  Cass might be faster and overall a better fighter, but X-23 has healing powers and claws.  It would be a tremendous fight, but I have to give the edge to X-23.

Spider-Man.  Spidey would have to get over his initial squeamishness at fighting a young girl and pull out all the stops.  I'm not sure how Cass's "reading the person's body language" would help her with someone whose body language is kind of spidery and has webshooters.  Spider-Man would take a few blows early in the match until he wakes up and realizes Cass isn't playing around, and then his superhuman abilities would give him the edge and Cass would find herself in a sticky situation, dangling helplessly from a streetlight.

Hulk.  Cass would dodge him for a while but she'd get tired eventually, and Hulk never would.  Her only hope is evading him long enough for the Air Force or Army to come to her rescue.  Otherwise, bye bye Cass.

Iron Man.  Beats Cass from a distance.

Fantastic Four.  Sue would prove the deciding factor here.  The Thing's not fast enough, and neither is Mr. Incredible.  Johnny could possibly kill Cass from afar, but he'd never do that.  Instead, the Invisible Woman would use a variation on the Green Lantern gambit and render her unconscious, allowing the team to safely capture Cass and place her under observation until some sort of arrangement could be worked out with Batman.

The Punisher.  If he snipes Cass from 1000 yards with a 7.62 x 51mm M40A5, he has a chance.  And that's more than likely what he'd choose to do if he has advance intelligence on her.  Up close, he finds himself frustrated by Cass's lightning fast dodges and attacks and soon finds himself on the south side of Rubber Leg Street.

Silver Surfer.  By the Power Cosmic, it's the bald metallic space guy without breaking a sweat!

Uncanny X-Men.  Cass stomps her way through some of the junior members and underclasspeople, but then she has to fight the boss squad of such heavyweights as Cyclops, Storm, Colossus and Wolverine himself.  That part wouldn't last long, and if she survives, the end result would be similar to her fight with the Fantastic Four.

New Mutants.  Cass would cream Moonstar, dodge Cannonball, knock Wolfsbane out, easily thump Doug... but then she has to face Sunspot, Warlock and Magma.  She could probably dance rings around Sunspot, but Warlock proves problematic and Magma has massive ranged attacks with lava and earthquakes.  If Magik joins in, and Karma, we're looking at about half an issue of fighting, then half an issue of the kids wondering what to do with a beaten, exhausted Cass.  They'd all end up having a slumber party, I'm sure.

Wolverine.  Like the X2-3 fight, only much, much shorter.

Nexus.  No contest.  Nexus disintegrates Cass before the fight even gets started.  But he wouldn't because she isn't a mass murderer, just a murderer when crappy writers pen her stories.

Gen13.  The classic group.  They're not much smarter than the Teen Titans despite Caitlin Fairchild's supposed super-genius status, but they'd eventually win.  Eventually.  Grunge and Burnout crap out early because of their horndog tendencies, leaving Fairchild, Freefall and Rainmaker to close the deal with a series of ranged attacks until Fairchild can get in close and deal a distracted Cass a knock-out blow.

Maggie and Hopey.  Cass versus las Locas.  Despite Maggie's having dabbled in superheroics, this wouldn't last very long at all.  It would be funny as hell, though.

Judge Dredd.  If it came down to strictly hand-to-hand, Cass has the edge but Dredd would just shoot her with a heat-seeking bullet and that would be that.

Enid and Rebecca.  See "Maggie and Hopey" above.  These two girls would snark themselves into a world of hurt.

Hellboy.  Hellboy would clean Cass's clock.

Uncle Creepy.  Uncle Creepy tries to disorient Cass by drawing her into the nightmare world of his various horror stories, but soon finds she's as fearless as they come.  Fighting her way through various axe murderers, vampires, werewolves and zombies, Cass confronts Creepy and chokes him out, then scampers back to her own comic book universe.

Archie Andrews.  Cass would destroy America's favorite teen.

Richie Rich.  Not even his vast wealth could save the poor little rich boy... unless he can hire one of the potential winners from this list as his champion.

Casper the Friendly Ghost.  Incorporeal ghost boy defeats corporeal martial artist every time.  Casper couldn't frighten Cass, and he wouldn't actually fight her. He'd just drive her away with his annoying attempts at befriending her.

Okay, that's not quite everybody.  Just all the characters I can think of at the moment, plus I've run out of steam.  If you have any suggestions, just let me know and I'll give you my honest determination of winner and loser.

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